I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
