I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
