Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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