Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
did i walk over a car last night?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
