Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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