He had one of those small greek statue penises
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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