Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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