Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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