I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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