My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
