My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
