I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
