in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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