if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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