If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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