This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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