Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize