The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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