My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
