Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
