When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
