I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
