I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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