My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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