JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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