Cold hands, warm shart.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
