the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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