Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize