mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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