he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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