im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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