I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
