If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
