I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
