you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
