I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
