you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Randomize
