i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
