You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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