You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize