So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
