Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize