She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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