I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
