My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
