you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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