im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
