I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
