Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Randomize
