It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
