I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
