Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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