I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
