guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
