i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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