ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize