Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
