god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want to make a zoo with you.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
