Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
