Little spoons don't ask big questions
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
