took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
